I lost about 25 pounds and I feel better. But I have a lot more weight to lose. But you think that because you FEEL better, you'll look better too. But that is NOT the case. The picture I have of who I am in my head does not match what I look like on the outside.
And why does this even matter?
Because you want people to see you for who you are on the inside.
In this video, Dustin Hoffman addresses the question, What would your life have been like, if you had been born a woman? Watch it.
Did you watch it yet?
Earlier this weekend, I noticed a friend just got engaged after attending an event put on by Utah's Matchmaker. I followed the link he posted, and found myself reading details about an upcoming event. Now, I watch Millionaire Matchmaker. I know how vicious these matchmakers can be about appearance, so I should not have been surprised to read the following:
Typically the clients we serve, are looking for active, temple worthy LDS men and women who are socially intelligent and in good shape physically. No, you don’t have to be a super model but mutual attraction for both men and women is an important part of the matchmaking process.
The matchmaker will decide who gets to attend the event based on a criteria determined by the men attending the event. They emphasized physical fitness throughout the description of the event.
I understand the realities of the world I live in.
But there's just something about this that makes my heart hurt.
I am bothered when I see a bad picture because that physical impression fails to capture the dynamic, powerful woman that exists inside of me. And I ache because situations like the Utah Matchmaker's event seem to legitimize seeing ourselves as less than when we don't fit the ideal physical standards. I understand that it is the nature of the business, but fat and ugly people are looking for love too, dammit.
Lately, I realize that what I really want from a lover is to be seen for who I really am and appreciated for what I bring to the table. And I hope to be able to provide the same mutual respect for him as well. I'm not saying that attraction isn't important, but it seems that the LDS Singles place undo significance on the physical appearance of the ladies. I'd explain this point, but honestly, those of you who have been around this crowd, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I understand making a point of being our best, but I wish that as often as women are encouraged to look their best, men would be encouraged to grow the hell up and realize that women in their 30s are real and do not resemble high school cheerleaders. And if you wanted a high school cheer leader, why didn't you just marry one when you were in high school? Could it be she didn't want you? And why is that? Perhaps because you're as deliciously flawed as I am in other ways and why can't we all just get along?
Today I'm grateful for this core of rage inside of me. I'm grateful for Dustin Hoffman. I'm grateful for all of my lovely bits, and I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to continue to better myself on a daily basis. But please understand that I no longer do it for men, I do it for me. I do it because I love myself. My downfall is that after years of being single in the LDS community, once I get to a healthy weight for myself, there are men who will decide that they're interested, and I won't be able to see past the ugly truth that they couldn't see me. That's gonna take some healing.