Monday, July 8, 2013

Musings From a Fat Girl

Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself and wanted to throw up?

I lost about 25 pounds and I feel better. But I have a lot more weight to lose. But you think that because you FEEL better, you'll look better too. But that is NOT the case. The picture I have of who I am in my head does not match what I look like on the outside.

And why does this even matter?

Because you want people to see you for who you are on the inside.

In this video, Dustin Hoffman addresses the question, What would your life have been like, if you had been born a woman? Watch it.

Did you watch it yet?

Earlier this weekend, I noticed a friend just got engaged after attending an event put on by Utah's Matchmaker. I followed the link he posted, and found myself reading details about an upcoming event. Now, I watch Millionaire Matchmaker. I know how vicious these matchmakers can be about appearance, so I should not have been surprised to read the following:

Typically the clients we serve, are looking for active, temple worthy LDS men and women who are socially intelligent and in good shape physically.  No, you don’t have to be a super model but mutual attraction for both men and women is an important part of the matchmaking process.

The matchmaker will decide who gets to attend the event based on a criteria determined by the men attending the event. They emphasized physical fitness throughout the description of the event.

I understand the realities of the world I live in.

But there's just something about this that makes my heart hurt.

I am bothered when I see a bad picture because that physical impression fails to capture the dynamic, powerful woman that exists inside of me. And I ache because situations like the Utah Matchmaker's event seem to legitimize seeing ourselves as less than when we don't fit the ideal physical standards. I understand that it is the nature of the business, but fat and ugly people are looking for love too, dammit.

Lately, I realize that what I really want from a lover is to be seen for who I really am and appreciated for what I bring to the table. And I hope to be able to provide the same mutual respect for him as well. I'm not saying that attraction isn't important, but it seems that the LDS Singles place undo significance on the physical appearance of the ladies. I'd explain this point, but honestly, those of you who have been around this crowd, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I understand making a point of being our best, but I wish that as often as women are encouraged to look their best, men would be encouraged to grow the hell up and realize that women in their 30s are real and do not resemble high school cheerleaders. And if you wanted a high school cheer leader, why didn't you just marry one when you were in high school? Could it be she didn't want you? And why is that? Perhaps because you're as deliciously flawed as I am in other ways and why can't we all just get along?

Today I'm grateful for this core of rage inside of me. I'm grateful for Dustin Hoffman. I'm grateful for all of my lovely bits, and I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to continue to better myself on a daily basis. But please understand that I no longer do it for men, I do it for me. I do it because I love myself. My downfall is that after years of being single in the LDS community, once I get to a healthy weight for myself, there are men who will decide that they're interested, and I won't be able to see past the ugly truth that they couldn't see me. That's gonna take some healing.


Joseph L. Puente said...

Sounds like the LDS matchmaker is trying to put people together based on Telestial values instead of Celestial ones.

Eve said...

You know the hard part when you have an obvious flaw is that I sometimes forget to prioritize growing and improving in more important ways too. I want to focus on bettering myself in more ways than just appearance. I need to focus on being kinder, more responsible with money, taking care of the environment. There are all sorts of ways in which I should be focusing my self improvement.

Hilaree said...

Eve, when I started my weight loss journey (and the journey continues EVERY-SINGLE-DAY)the doctor I was working with told me that his focus was purely on my health, but he could see that I was going to be "a looker". He told me that it was going to be a natural instinct to resent the attention I was soon to receive. He encouraged me to be patient, especially with people who didn't know me when. He told me to enjoy the attention because it was long overdue. He was right! I found myself resenting men who I had just met, but my heart softened. I didn't immediately find love once I lost all of my weight. It has taken me ten years of stumbling through the mess of dating as, in many ways, a new being. Many times I felt like Bambi learning to walk. The learning from this is that you aren't fixed when you get skinny--especially because you're not broken to begin with. Everyday I learned more about myself as the "layers" started to fall away. I felt like my awesomeness (that had always been there) was now fully exposed and it was a scary feeling. I guess this rambling comment is to say that your spirit is already perfect. Keep nurturing it along with the body it is encased in. You're beautiful!!

Eve said...

Thank you Hilaree! I love those thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Okay.. I feel compelled to comment on this because I really feel your pain. I grew up in Utah, and have had similar questions. Some of the knowledge I have found has helped me gain a wider perspective on mating. For instance-- a man can instinctually know if a woman is a good match for him. Watch which men come up to you and talk to you etc. Those are men that are drawn to something about you... some of which is chemistry. Chemistry is DNA-- its body to body. A matchmaker can match people based on common intrests/ your "celebrity crush" or whatever-- but the real test is if there is chemistry between the 2 people. If there is no chemistry-- what is the point!! You pick up each others chemistry within 3 feet of each other and in 30 seconds or something-- (sorry, not good with facts.) There are 3 things required for a successful relationship they are chemistry, compatibility and communication. There are so many men out there-- I attracted one at a class I went to.. he wasn't active Mormon.. but said he's start going to church if we started dating. And about appearance.. I think that just dressing in a way that makes you feel pretty and being happy with yourself (doing things you like) goes along way. :) The guy may not be what you expect at first-- but watch who comes towards you. I hope that makes you feel better.

Anonymous said...

I want to elaborate more say that chemistry can sometimes take some time to show itself.. if you give someone 3 dates... you will know if there is chemistry or not (because it is not always apparent). And chemistry is based on if the person is a genetic match. Meaning that you have variety in your DNA and would make healthy offspring. I know that I have been attracted to guys that others people wouldnt find attractive-- chubby or whatever.. but that's DNA. Sure, I think being physically fit helps in attracting men-- but its just part of it and not all of it.

Anonymous said...

Im confussed by you Evey. After spending time actually caring about what you were saying and then responding to questions you posed--- I get no comment or reply back. There is no communication, no back and forth. I feel baited, I feel dumb for caring in the first place. So much like the LDS singles scene. So many people chasing after the ones that are Narcissistic and emotionally unavailable. And looking past people who actually do care and have the ability and desire to make a friend connection or relationship connection. Whats that-- looking for love in all the wrong places... lol. Good luck in your quest to be perfect and attract the perfect as well. And there-- NOW you know how I feel.

Eve said...

I'm sorry. I read it earlier while at work. I got distracted. I apologize dear anonymous. I wish I knew who this is. I'd contact you to discuss further. I love your insights into chemistry. It was so interesting to read!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your response- its nice to be heard. Yes I choose to be anonymous, but I can tell you that I am a single lds woman in SL and I understand some of your feelings. Maybe sometime I will run across you in person and we can talk. I just wanted to share with you some hopeful things I have found, that have helped me see the dance of love in a different light. Its hope-- and from what I can tell, you look like an awesome and beautiful girl so don't let the adversary tell you otherwise!!!

Eve said...

Well I enjoyed reading your insights. I love talking to people who will open my mind to new ways of seeing things.