A long time ago, I used to take head shots.
It is a privilege to reveal beauty in photographs.
I can't help it. It is there. And I like to take pictures of it.
I am in a state of dilemma about my own beauty.
It renders me complacent.
I am pretty whether I am skinny or fat. And I know it. I feel it. I feel beautiful even when I am horribly overweight.
My friends see beyond my weight and enjoy my company, but I know that they worry about my health.
They also know that I'm happy and they appreciate what I bring into the room.
My friends know me. We spend time together and they see who I am illuminated in my eyes and my laughter, my kindness and the way I care for them.
I recently found out that certain members of my family that I haven't even seen for at least a year--wanted to hold an intervention to talk to me about my burgeoning weight. They believe I need help.
Perhaps I do.
Perhaps from their distant place--they are not blinded by the beauty I possess. They are not placated as I am by the happiness I carry, regardless of my weight. This distance allows them to see my flaws in a clearer light.
I am trying though. I want to find a better way. I am reading the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole.
In it, she speaks of the harm of dieting and advises readers to learn to listen to their bodies. The body will crave what it cannot have. In order to give up the cravings, you have to believe that you're allowed the food. I don't know what to do anymore though. I have allowed myself to say yes. I have stopped dieting. And I weigh more than I ever have.
But I'm not really listening to my body. I am reacting. Bingeing because I can. Bingeing in one giant never ending last supper before the inevitable diet to end all diets. The idea that I will one day have to give up my favorite foods still hovers in my mind. And it makes everything that I don't need seem so good.
I am trying to process this discovery of the impending intervention. I want to look at it with a mind to my own health. I don't want to react or rebel.
I want losing weight to be like dyeing the tips of my hair pink. Something fun and new that doesn't change who I am--but simply alters my appearance and brings a little more vibrancy to my life. I am so happy that I dyed my hair pink! How fun! It doesn't change who I am.
Changing my eating will simply have to be because healthy food is delicious and vibrant. If my body shape changes--then it changes. But it doesn't add to or detract from the beauty I already possess. My beauty is anchored in my soul and my soul is eternal and effervescent. I am beautiful.
Today I am thankful for those who want to help and for the presence of mind to not be undone by them.