Saturday, March 9, 2013

Joy and Misery

Sorry about the negative post yesterday.

I was disgustingly sad yesterday. I kept crying. That was the most annoying part of yesterday.

Tears were a combination of hormones, stress, and a lingering depression that I'm trying to kick right now.

The fact is--I get depressed. Right after my mission, a doctor told me I was bipolar--but I feel like he didn't know me well enough to really make that diagnosis. (Fifteen minutes... really?) But I have spent many years fighting depression.

I have learned to be gentle with myself. I acknowledge what I'm feeling. I also acknowledge my blessings. And I care for myself. I try to listen to what my body needs--whether that's laughter, sleep, tears, or even writing.

Alabama Shakes played LAST night. I thought it was Saturday--tonight.  I wouldn't have even brought it up in the post yesterday if I had realized the show was last night--cause going to a concert was NOT happening.  BUT... because of my complaining, three friends offered to pay for tickets for me. I was really touched.

I dragged my tear stained face--in my yoga pants and messy pony tail--no make up--into the car and drove west on I-80 towards Saltair. The whole drive, I thought--just get there. Don't miss the opportunity. On the drive, I decided to call my old mission companion, Kjersti.

Doesn't she just have a smile that could brighten any day?

As I drove to Saltair, we gabbed about her theatre students and the wonderful ways she's growing her program. We talked about our missions and I realized that the best medicine wasn't a concert by myself--but a visit with someone who has known me for years through my ups and downs.

I turned the car around and drove to her cute condo. 

We talked a little about how I was sad--but the conversation diverged to much more interesting topics like great theatre, missionary work, family, friends and church. 

At the end of the night, I felt like my whole heart had been lifted up inside of me. 

Sometimes I wish I was the type of person who didn't feel things quite so much. But the fact is--I have learned to truly appreciate the miracle of joy. 

2 Nephi 22 And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.

 23 And they would have had no achildren; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no bjoy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no csin.
 24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who aknoweth all things.
 25 aAdam bfell that men might be; and men care, that they might have djoy.

Three things that speak to me from this passage:
*I wonder what kind of a person I would be today if I didn't suffer from depression?
*Without misery, we can't really understand joy. 
*God, in His wisdom and love,  has blessed me with a heart and mind that just happens to feel too much. 

Today, I am grateful for my dear friend Kjersti, for generous friends who offered me the chance to see my favorite new band, and for a wise Heavenly Father who has lovingly designed a mortal experience that allows me to feel both misery and joy. 



Kjersti said...

So happy to see you & spend the evening with you!

Heidi said...

I'm glad you're feeling better!

Re: the bipolar "diagnosis"--it took 6+ years and at least 4 doctors before my sister was accurately diagnosed. So, no, that doctor DIDN'T know you well enough. :)

Eve said...

It's certainly complicated. My emotions are directly tied to my monthly visitor. And because my periods have been out of whack--it's hard to know whether it's the ups and downs of bipolar, or just the downs of PMS followed by the sweet relief of not PMS. I know that I don't experience the frightening mania that comes with being bipolar. I've seen manic--taking huge risks, feeling invincible, being up all night. I have a healthy ego, but I'm not invincible, and I really like to sleep. But mental well-being is something I don't take lightly.