March comes in like a lion.
They say depression is anger turned inwards.
I am trying to turn my anger out.
But perhaps there's more fear here than anger.
I love the theatre. I love doing theatre and there are people that I love doing theatre with. I do not love that theatre people can be royal snobs, and until they're convinced as to how you can advance their career--or that your talent is worthy of their time--theatre people can be incredibly dismissive snobs.
But among the snobs, there are genuinely kind artists who are there to connect with other artists and to tell a beautiful story. You just have to wade through the rest of them to get to that place.
Part of the reason that the snobbery hurts is because the theatre can be such a warm and beautiful place where strangers and friends come together to share a common experience. I am overwhelmed by the love that I feel for my friends that I have worked with in the theatre.
This isn't a comment on Assassins tonight. I saw it at the Rose Wagner Theatre and it was incredible. Gamyr Worf gave me a warm welcoming hug. Daniel Simons shared a welcoming smile and the people I sat next to and I shared welcoming conversation. But for some reason, I felt very shy and I didn't want to go to the after party. I think the potential of being snubbed haunted me. Such a high school fear. Nevertheless...
The show was good. Well done.
I was riveted and scared.
The rhetoric was too familiar. Extremists calling out the wickedness of others, even as they murder another human being.
Another source of fear and anger...
Don't pick a political fight with me. I will ALWAYS choose people over principles. To attack a person in the name of a principle undoes the principle.
If you cannot uphold your principles with the rhetoric of love--then I don't want to hear it.
Fear, hate--that's all I hear. You can share facts, fictions, your thought out point of view--but if the words are based in fear, insults, and hate--I simply can't see it.
The last thing I want to do is get into a fight with a friend. The action of fighting with a friend is against MY principles. So, as my friends, please don't pick a fight with me. If you want to share your principles--use words of love and respect. I will hear that. I might not embrace it--but I will hear it.
It's been a complicated day.
My heart is hurting and I am tired.
My goals for 2013:
January: blog gratitude every day
February: Drink a gallon of water every day
March: I was going to say that I wanted to eat without distraction for two meals a day--but I think I need more spiritual strength. So instead--I'm going to read scriptures and pray every day. I need the spiritual strength of every day reading and meditation. I will slot 15 minutes a day. It's not a lot--but it's a start.
Today I'm grateful for good theatre. If you are in Salt Lake City, enjoy Assassins. Visit http://www.darkhorsecompanytheatre.com/